


Sleep

by yuma (yuma_writes)



Category: Firefly
Genre: Exhaustion, Friendship, Gen, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-22
Updated: 2013-04-22
Packaged: 2017-12-09 04:12:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/769848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuma_writes/pseuds/yuma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Simon woke up, he almost wished he didn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> This was a fic from _Brotherhood 1_ , back in 2005. The zine and fic won a FanQ thanks to our readers out there!

"Ah, you slay me!" Plastic clattered together before someone garbled out, "I will get you for this! May a meteor fall down and obliterate your atmosphere and bring an ice age upon you!"

Simon's brows knitted. He thought he heard laughter, but it was a strange sound, not the deep guttural one Jayne gave after some lewd remark, or the reassuring rumble of Book's. No, this one was high and clear, like a fond memory he couldn't quite recall, only feel.

"Rocks fall, rain burns…"

"Uh, yeah, take that, Brontosaurus! I munch on your bones!"

"They're herbivores." 

"They're what?"

"Munch on tree, not on me."

"Hey, that's pretty good. No kidding, vegans? Huh. Well, that's anti-climactic." 

Burning hot, biting pain radiated from the back of his head, down his neck. Simon winced. What had happened?

"Rain, rain, burning rain. They fall two-by-two, two-by-two."

River.

Simon wanted to get up. No, he _needed_ to get up. He could hear his sister's disembodied voice floating toward him like a breeze. Two-by-two. That was a trigger for River. Simon had learned that much from the disjointed threads of information his little sister would share. Two-by-two, she would chant before the bad memories assaulted her. The ones he couldn't get her to tell him even while he was afraid to hear them. But he needed to be there to keep them from overwhelming her. She worried, she feared, she cried. He needed to get up, past this odd hurting in his head, and make them go away, two-by-two, for her.

"Hey, hey! Your dinosaur stomped on my lizard."

"Mammals and birds."

"So that's really a chicken?"

"Cluck, cluck."

"Now I feel disillusioned."

Simon felt disillusioned, too. All that schooling, top three percent, the best hospital in Osiris, called a prodigy by his peers, and he couldn't help soothe away his sister's fears, make all the bad dreams go away. All he could do so far was drug her at night to dam the chaos and pray he himself could sleep without dreaming about her dreaming.

"They're not really, but they are what you are."

"Is that the same as you are what you eat?"

A pang ached in his chest. He remembered following the captain into town. Captain Reynolds was seeking new work for Serenity. Simon was seeking a new medication on the black market for River. Anything that would help her sleep. Anything that might ease the aging lines from her mouth so the youth she was robbed of could return even for a brief reprieve.

There was a fight—wasn't there always?—at the local bar. The captain had wanted them to rendezvous there. More people, Mal had grunted when Simon asked, meant easier to hide if things didn't come out so shiny. Simon was not sure what that meant, but clearly it helped when the captain had to fight his way out of the bar. Simon still wasn't sure how this one started. Something about Simon's lineage, a disparaging remark about the other's reproductive parts, and abruptly Jayne threw a mighty fist at one scowling man who reached for his gun. 

Somewhere between Mal hollering into his transmitter for his second-in-command, Zoe, telling Jayne to stop enjoying himself and get over to help them dammit, and ducking bottles, Mal still had time to turn around, look past Simon's shoulder, and start running toward him. The rage on the captain's face was all too familiar, brimming between haunted eyes, on a face deceptively jovial until provoked. Simon had seen it directed at him in the beginning, after Kaylee was shot. The captain wasn't keen on people who brought trouble to his crew, hence the first few weeks, Simon had sometimes found a scowl cast his way. This time, though, it was toward someone behind him. Simon turned around just in time to see the metal bar sailing at him ,and then nothing but blinding pain.

"Dead, dead, they're all dead. If you look at them, they're really not."

"Ooo-kay. Then they're…" A weird growling sound that was more like a meow than anything frightening wailed, "Then they're…they're…zombie dinos!"

Plastic clattered together noisily. Wash made munching sounds, and more plastic rattled. River's laughter sounded like bells.

Despite his pain, Simon smiled. He hadn't heard it in a long time, had forgotten what it sounded like. This was a dream. Had to be, for River hadn't laughed in the past three months they'd been on Serenity. She smiled more now, even danced down on that planet, but laugh? Simon could only remember a hollow copy of the original.

"Hey. I think your brother's waking. He's smiling."

"We're never awake, always asleep," River said solemnly.

"Then you're doing a pretty good job sleepwalking right now, kid."

_Dream. This has to be a dream._ He'd wake up and River would be crying, fearing, shouting, and hiding again. Or maybe that one was the real dream, something his subconscious dredged up as punishment for the comfortable life his parents gave them both. He'll wake up and River would be smiling by his side again, telling him about books that were wrong, their winning battles with imaginary dinosaurs.

"Hey, Doc. Wakey, wakey. I would get you help, but you are the help and, hell, you're not available to give yourself any happy drugs."

Wash's voice collided with the pounding in his head. He couldn't hear River anymore, and Simon despaired. So often his sister slipped away from his grasp, from his sight. Two years too long searching, now three months too long in trying to keep her with him. Couldn't go home, couldn't make her smile, and he couldn't even find the energy right now to soothe her bad dreams away. Couldn't get the medicine he'd hoped for to make it go away, even if it was only an illusion for a few brief hours. It felt like a vicious cycle, a tedious race he was losing, River slipping away from his fingers once more to the horrors of what the Academy had done to her.

"No drugs. No drugs. Drugs make me like glass. Break. Cut. Choppy, choppy."

"Okay, _you're_ definitely not getting the drugs. Hey, Simon." Wash insisted on poking his shoulder. "You awake?"

No, he wasn't awake. Dream, dream, it was all a dream. He wanted to open his eyes and find only a young and happy River back in his home, the weariness that pulled at his body daily all gone in the fading sensation that only came from dreams.

"S-simon?"

It was finally River's scared whisper that pulled him back. He could never ignore his sister. Never abandon her. Even if it meant dying at the stake with her, Simon could never ignore or leave her behind. 

The lethargy that clung to him stubbornly before was now peeling away, pulling back his eyelids to reveal River's face. She tilted her head toward him, her once beautiful dark silk hair stringy and limp around her gaunt face. The overhead light made a halo behind her. 

No happy. No smiling. Fear drew her pupils to pinpricks.

Tears sprang to his eyes. 

"Simon?" This time Wash filled his view. Simon blinked, turned his head, his body, to hide his weakness. _Can't let River see_. Only happy, only strong. It was all he could give her.

"Headache," he gritted out as if it would explain everything. Heartache was what he truly wanted to say.

"Yeah." The sympathy in Wash's voice made Simon's head hurt more. "Feel like an aspirin?"

Simon felt River's hands on his shoulders, a silent query. He drew in a steadying breath. "Yes, please," he rasped out. How long had he been out, leaving River alone? How long had River drowned in the flood of her own mind? "Top drawer, the red-labeled vial to the left."

He was tempted to say the green-labeled vial. That one was the hendrolophine. That one would make him sleep. A little would make him sleep the night away. A lot…

He would just sleep.

The wistful thought shocked him. Enough that his body jerked violently and River snatched her hands back.

"Not awake," River said in a resentful voice, and she moved away from his view.

Simon couldn't speak. He stared at Wash as he rummaged through the drawers until the right vial yet the wrong vial was in his grasp.

"He up?"

Mal's even voice entered the room before he did. 

"Yeah," Wash said.

"No," River grumbled before curling back on the bed, her knees drawn up, eyes watching Simon.

The captain cocked an eyebrow at River before looking at Simon. Mal apparently did not escape the fight unscathed either, his temple marked with a butterfly Band-Aid, his knuckles skinned and red as he reached out and took the aspirin from Wash.

"What do you think, Doc?" Mal drawled, standing over Simon. "What's your diagnosis? Are you awake?"

"Unfortunately," Simon whispered. He didn't think anyone heard him, but Mal's eyes narrowed.

"Wash, who's flying this ship?" Mal asked slowly, pivoting back around to his pilot.

"Eh? Me, of course. Oh." The pilot grinned sheepishly. "Well, right now, I'm not."

"Would you like to before we crash into that asteroid belt?" Mal asked mildly.

_"Ta mah duh!"_ Wash bolted past Mal, dinosaur toys falling off his lap and to the bulkhead. His boots pounded on the walkway, and his yelp could be heard as he must have collided with someone on the catwalk.

Mal stared at the open doorway for a long moment before turning back around to Simon. A smile quirked at his mouth.

"Think he'll be pissed when he realizes we're just drifting in space?" Mal's grin faded when Simon didn't answer. It quickly turned to a scowl. Whatever he saw on Simon's face didn't please him, either. 

"How's the head?" 

"It's been better," Simon said. He sat up carefully, wincing as the tightness at the back of his neck squeezed a knot on his shoulders. 

"Here." Like a peace offering, Mal dropped the two pills into Simon's open palm, followed by a cup of water. Both of which Simon downed quickly.

"How long was I out?" Simon hissed as he reached behind and found the gash behind his right ear, crusty with dried blood, tender from bruising. It felt like someone had cleaned it, but no stitches had been put in. Simon glanced across the infirmary to the counter. He could see bloody gauze piled in a washbasin. He swallowed.

"Two days."

Alarmed, Simon's eyes flew to the captain. Mal returned his gaze with an unreadable expression, his mouth set and grim.

" _Two_ days?" Simon breathed. He twisted around to look at River. 

Following his gaze, Mal cleared his throat. "Inara looked after her—hell, everyone took turns. Kaylee remembered which shots you gave your sister nightly and gave ‘em to her."

Like recitation, Mal told Simon who made sure River woke for breakfast, who took her for walks around the catwalk. To Simon's surprise, Jayne stayed with her in the infirmary as she watched for any signs of Simon regaining consciousness, although the brusque man stayed by the door most of the time even though he vehemently denied being scared of her. Shepherd Book read while she drew. Inara combed her hair and coaxed her to take a sponge bath. Even Zoe brought lunch up to her while Wash kept her company. Mal made no mention about himself though. It made sense. The captain surely had other concerns than two fugitives on the salvage ship.

Simon stared at River, who only stared back, her lower lip sticking out. She folded herself into a tight ball, sitting up, knees drawn to her chin. 

"Not awake, not asleep. Sleeping, sleeping. Want to sleep," she muttered, rocking in place. She stared sullenly at Simon before lowering her chin to rest her forehead on her knees.

"Huh," Mal grunted. "Now that one'll keep _me_ awake for a cycle." He studied Simon for a moment before shaking his head. Mal deliberately brushed his hands down his worn brown coat. "Had us worried there, Doc," he drawled as he flicked something from the hem. 

Simon ducked his head. "Sorry. I hope River wasn't much trouble—"

"That's not what I meant." Mal raised his eyes at Simon. "You weren't waking up."

"Up to his shoulders, you were dead," River muttered. "Shouting to leave, you were quiet."

"Big mouth," Mal muttered. He scratched the bottom of his jaw, his eyes elsewhere. "Jayne wanted me to pay him for dragging your gorram ass back to Serenity."

Simon swallowed, lowering his eyes. "I didn't see that man," he confessed.

"Most of the time, none of us do." Mal smirked. He rested a hand on top of his holster. "That's why you always should go with backup. For them blind spots."

Simon struggled to slide off the gurney. "I should check River and be sure—" Suddenly, the floor disappeared on him.

Strong hands slipped under his arms, preventing him from crashing. Mal's brown coat blurred to gray. Simon found himself staring at the stripes that lined the captain's trousers. 

"Whoa, there. Maybe we can hold off on that for a while, okay?"

"But—" Simon couldn't get his knees to lock. His stomach rolled.

Mal dropped Simon back on the gurney, picked up the blanket that fell with him, and tossed it over his legs. The older man glared at him. "If one of us were up on this thing, what would you tell them?"

"Stitch the wound and make sure you rest while I observe any possible concussion." Simon's mouth snapped shut. Oh.

Mal folded his arms in front of him. "Me? Why did you say 'you' as in me?" he complained.

"You usually start the fight."

"Not this time." Mal stuck out his chin, daring Simon to contradict him. "'Sides, I was saying for example."

Simon nodded. He was too tired to argue. He twisted around and looked at his sister. "River?" he asked softly. 

River only sniffed, slid off the bed. On her bare feet, she walked out of the infirmary. As she passed him, however, she stretched out a thin hand and patted his cheek fondly.

"Wake up," she said before padding away.

Simon attempted to go after her but a hand flat on his chest pushed him back onto the gurney.

"I can't just let her wander off without me," Simon protested, glaring at Mal. No one understood. River could get scared or happy without anyone knowing how to react to either one. He had to be there, always. He couldn't leave her again, abandon her. "I have to—"

"You have to rest up and observe any possible concussion," Mal reminded him. He placed a hand on Simon's shoulder. "You were out for a while there. Any longer and the crew wanted to find another doctor in one of them core planets to have a look at you."

"I have to take care of my sister." No one seemed to understand. Simon pushed the hand on his shoulder away and sat up. The room spun. He swallowed. Maybe it wasn't a good idea, after all.

"Told ya, boy. Just stay put."

Simon shot Mal a glare. "You yourself said you don't want her running around, wanted things to run 'smooth'."

Mal winced. "Yeah, you do have to take care of your sister, but can't do that if you're kissing the floor." He gave Simon a gentle push, but the younger man wouldn't budge. "Always go with backup." Mal nodded towards the infirmary doorway. "For them blind spots."

Simon raised his head. He could see River following behind Inara, her eyes intent on stepping on the Companion's shadow. She hummed as she tracked the older woman, who was pretending not to notice as she went up the catwalk, winking at Simon as she walked by the infirmary and down the corridor.

River was humming.

Simon felt his eyes burning, his throat closing up. Only sad. Only sad was how he saw her. Why couldn't he reach her? Sometimes she was seven again, clever yet so sweet, loving and adoring. Then she disappeared before him, insubstantial compared to his memories, and so lost. God, he didn't know what to do anymore. He felt drained and empty, yet he couldn't stop. He would find a cure, help her, pull her out of her living nightmares. Awake, he wanted her to be awake. Awake and happy again.

A drop of moisture fell onto his lap. Simon felt humiliated. What would they say if they saw that? 

"You know," Mal said conversationally. He stared at the infirmary door as if reavers would be coming through. "A knock on the head is an odd thing. Makes you think funny things."

Simon didn't look up. He had an innate fear that if he moved, he would dislodge the wetness he could feel edging his eyes. Don't move, don't feel. God, he was so tired.

"You know what's the real funny thing, though?"

Mal sounded like he wanted an answer. "What?" Simon rasped, still staring at his lap.

"Stuff you think of…none of it's really funny." Simon could hear Mal scratching his thigh. "Huh. Weird, eh, Doc?"

A laugh sounding suspiciously like a sob broke free from Simon. He shook his head; another tear escaped, spotting the blanket draped over his legs. "You're psychotic," Simon managed.

"Yeah, yeah. Tell me something I don't know." 

A warm hand slipped around the back of Simon's neck. A squeeze, and the hand slipped off, so quick, Simon was sure he was mistaken.

He swallowed, the lump in his throat subsiding. "I feel ill," Simon whispered.

"Oh, no, you don't." Mal made a great show of stepping back with a grimace. "Not on my boots again."

Simon leaned over and peered at the floor. Dark tan boots marred with gray, dusty. He vaguely remembered seeing one lashing out past him toward his attacker at the bar. Simon threw up on his boots when Mal tried to pull him up. 

"Sorry," Simon whispered. His eyes fluttered shut. His head bobbed. 

A firm hand eased around his shoulders and guided him back onto the gurney. "'Nuff of that, you hear?" Mal said gruffly. "You get some sleep. Got plenty of doctory things you'll need to do later."

Alarmed, Simon's eyes flew open.

Mal smirked. "Jayne's heading down to Regent Town tomorrow. Planning on hitting a few bars."

Oh. A smile flickered across Simon's lips. "I'll be ready."

"Good." A brief squeeze on Simon's shoulder. "Get some sleep. We've got things under control here."

Simon stared at the doorway, fighting the heaviness weighing down his eyes.

"Backup," Mal would only say. He patted Simon on the knee, snatching back his hand as if it'd never happened, muttering something to himself as he headed for the door.

"Thank you," Simon said hoarsely. 

The captain stopped by the door. "You really want to thank me?" he said without turning around.

Simon waited.

Mal glanced over his shoulder with a shit-eating grin. "Dope up Jayne when he comes back with his ass kicked. I could use a day off from his rutting mouth."

Simon laughed as Mal left. Finally alone in the infirmary, Simon laid back his head. He could feel the last of the tears trailing down his face. Odd, he didn't realize they were falling. Why hadn't Mal said anything? Simon was certain the captain would have mocked him for it. Luckily, Jayne wasn't there. Simon would never have heard the end of it. 

He could hear the hum of Serenity under him, Wash probably fuming over the captain's trick. Jayne could be heard bellowing. River must have startled him. Inara was chiding the gruff mercenary with her exotic voice. Sound carried from the cargo hold into the infirmary. And Simon heard River laugh again.

He closed his eyes, listening to the echoes of River's laughter. He knew it was fleeting. Simon wished he could hear it forever. The urgency to get up, to pull himself out of the heaviness that weighed him was fading. Not gone, but eased back as if someone had stepped in and shouldered part of the burden.

_"That's why you always should go with backup. For them blind spots."_

Backup. It sounded strangely comforting even in the brusque, brisk tone Mal Reynolds favored. 

Simon felt himself drifting deeper. He was so tired. Yet it was odd to know a moment of peace, knowing River was safe even if he wasn't inches behind her.

Backup.

"Simon waking up?" River's frail hand slipped into Simon's. Warm breath tickling his cheek before River kissed him.

"Mm," Simon could only say. He was so tired. 

"River, let your brother sleep." Zoe's firm tone pulled River's hand away. Simon's hand twitched, instinct to keep his sister close opening his eyes once more. Zoe smiled at Simon, realizing he was awake, and nodded to him in greeting. Her words were gentle, soothing, so unlike her clipped, military manner. "Let your brother rest. We'll see him later. Let's go get some lunch."

Another kiss, this time on his forehead, soft and brief. Simon mouthed his sister's name as he sank into a gentle darkness.

"Go wake up," River whispered in his ear. Simon thought he could hear her smile. "Wake, wake."

And Simon fell into a dreamless sleep, knowing that he would.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is like cookies. I like cookies. _-lol-_


End file.
